I can't believe that I can't really help but to write this down. 'Tis heap of suppressed feelings and thoughts that kept bothering me to think that I've got alot of movies to dwell my apprehensions on. I couldn't find a means to get this one online for I am here in my Mom's house where internet connection is nothing but dead and my brother's laptop's not with him. Ideation of you keeps on bugging me and telling me that I miss you to think that I've just seen you yesterday, we were together in school. I really feel like getting to a phone right now and talking to you. I want to hear your voice. I want to let out my thoughts. I wanna feel you.

Scenario: You were having chest pains to the point that they were already bothering you. When we were talking over the phone, there came an instance that you paused for a sec and told me that the pains were bustling you again. You told me that you were okay and told it to your Mom already.
What I said: You might want to tell what was happening to you to your Dad who's apparently a physician but you hesitated since you've been having this cold war with him for years now. I stopped asking you how you felt and just went on with our conversation.
What I really felt: I was not satisfied with the idea that your mom already knew so I searched the net even if we all know how busy we were in school. I checked the symptoms that you told me that's was why I was able to suggest that it might be a heartburn and told you to if the pains would still persist, you might want to go to a doctor at once. It didn't end there. God knew how I prayed for you so hard every night.

Scenario: You were sick that day that you even hugged me so you would be kept warm but I was moving around and you told me top stop because you were feeling dizzy. You were absent the next day which was a finals day. You were that frail. Over the phone, I told you not to attend the next-day classes anymore because I knew that you were just going to flunk the tests.
What I said: I used my hand to touch you and feel your fever. I said that I could go with you to the health service but you resisted. I even informed everyone that you were sick.
What I really felt: Afraid that people might tease us, I moved around as if you were just on me hanging lifelessly but I stopped when you said you felt dizzy. I never knew if you felt it but I hugged back and felt you. I told you not to go to school anymore not because I thought that you were stupid (eventhough I always associate you with stupid and idiot things, they are all nothing but a joke), in fact, I always think that you are smart with your insights on things and all and you being a good conversant.

It was just that, I knew how hard it was to take a test infested with a flu, it was impossible for you to concentrate on the test and it was too risky to do so. I even prayed to God that you would consider my suggestion, I even didn't pray for myself that night because I knew you needed the prayer more. I was so thankful, God heeded my plead.

Scenario: You said that you were low-life.
What I said: I agreed.
What I really felt: I disagreed with what you said. Others think that way that you're nothing but a wallflower but if they would only get to know you better, they would be able to find an underlying strength and benevolence in you that only some know about. Your complexity makes you different and unique that despite all of these, you're always carefree and never afraid to show your real self.

Scenario: You want to be a model and you're even planning to attend a go-see for the CFAD fashion show on February.
What I said: Are you serious?! LOL.
What I really felt: Though I never thought that you got ALL what it takes to be a model, I still supported you and told you to just go on and do it. I even copy-pasted a link that I found on Multiply where aspiring models were being called for. I jokingly told you that I would want to watch you but it was really not a bon mot but actually, I really would want to see you walk the ramp and silently cheer for you even if I know that you would trip with your own foot with 45% probability. You are that clumsy! If you haven't noticed, I've always been supportive of you. I let you fool almost everyone in our block that this guy is your boyfriend because you said that it is somewhat diverting your attention away from Froggy and in the process forgetting her bit by bit even if I know that I would also be in trouble when they would find out that you are bluffing.


Honestly: Sometimes, I feel jealous over this guy whom you just found on Multiply through your random site hopping. He is a photographer and reviewer of aspiring nurses. Oh Lord, help me understand why I am getting jealous over a girl guy! I can't even understand how you can think of these make-believe stories that apparently sound true! You could have just chosen someone to act the whole think up with you who's close to you and more realistic in a sense. If you would only ask.

Scenario: You and Shrek.


What I said: You two, honestly look good together that I even started out a fan club for you, BEFORE. I even convinced alot to join and they became your instant fans (yeah, cheesy). But God really knew how I really liked the two of you to be together, BEFORE.
What I really felt: Everything changed not because of what I feel for you but because of what you feel for her. Sometimes you would just throw your rants against her that you get irritated by her always going home with you that sometimes you would make excuses just so you can go home alone by yourself. You also get annoyed by her bossiness at times. And these made me realize that you two are not meant to be and I have no right to push you to her. You have alot of differences and you can never ever fully jive. And I don't want you to be with someone you aren't happy with. Even if it's not with me, I hope you would find someone who can make you straight and find your true self, if that's not too much to ask for.

Scenario: My LSS's.
What I said: Their meanings don't have anything to do with how I feel, I just make petty connections between these songs to my life just so I can feel them more when I sing.

1. Next To You by Jordin Sparks
2. Collide by Howie Day
3. Goodbye to You by Michelle Branch
4. Thunder by Boys Like Girls
5. Paano Na Kaya by Bugoy
6. The Hardest Thing by 98 Degrees

And the list just goes on and on.

What I really felt: They're actually for you.

I sing these songs to you. If you would only read between the lines.

Labels: CFAD, friendship, missing, phone, school, Shrek, university, unrequited love