I can't believe that I can't really help but to write this down. 'Tis heap of suppressed feelings and thoughts that kept bothering me to think that I've got alot of movies to dwell my apprehensions on. I couldn't find a means to get this one online for I am here in my Mom's house where internet connection is nothing but dead and my brother's laptop's not with him. Ideation of you keeps on bugging me and telling me that I miss you to think that I've just seen you yesterday, we were together in school. I really feel like getting to a phone right now and talking to you. I want to hear your voice. I want to let out my thoughts. I wanna feel you.

Scenario: You were having chest pains to the point that they were already bothering you. When we were talking over the phone, there came an instance that you paused for a sec and told me that the pains were bustling you again. You told me that you were okay and told it to your Mom already.
What I said: You might want to tell what was happening to you to your Dad who's apparently a physician but you hesitated since you've been having this cold war with him for years now. I stopped asking you how you felt and just went on with our conversation.
What I really felt: I was not satisfied with the idea that your mom already knew so I searched the net even if we all know how busy we were in school. I checked the symptoms that you told me that's was why I was able to suggest that it might be a heartburn and told you to if the pains would still persist, you might want to go to a doctor at once. It didn't end there. God knew how I prayed for you so hard every night.

Scenario: You were sick that day that you even hugged me so you would be kept warm but I was moving around and you told me top stop because you were feeling dizzy. You were absent the next day which was a finals day. You were that frail. Over the phone, I told you not to attend the next-day classes anymore because I knew that you were just going to flunk the tests.
What I said: I used my hand to touch you and feel your fever. I said that I could go with you to the health service but you resisted. I even informed everyone that you were sick.
What I really felt: Afraid that people might tease us, I moved around as if you were just on me hanging lifelessly but I stopped when you said you felt dizzy. I never knew if you felt it but I hugged back and felt you. I told you not to go to school anymore not because I thought that you were stupid (eventhough I always associate you with stupid and idiot things, they are all nothing but a joke), in fact, I always think that you are smart with your insights on things and all and you being a good conversant.

It was just that, I knew how hard it was to take a test infested with a flu, it was impossible for you to concentrate on the test and it was too risky to do so. I even prayed to God that you would consider my suggestion, I even didn't pray for myself that night because I knew you needed the prayer more. I was so thankful, God heeded my plead.

Scenario: You said that you were low-life.
What I said: I agreed.
What I really felt: I disagreed with what you said. Others think that way that you're nothing but a wallflower but if they would only get to know you better, they would be able to find an underlying strength and benevolence in you that only some know about. Your complexity makes you different and unique that despite all of these, you're always carefree and never afraid to show your real self.

Scenario: You want to be a model and you're even planning to attend a go-see for the CFAD fashion show on February.
What I said: Are you serious?! LOL.
What I really felt: Though I never thought that you got ALL what it takes to be a model, I still supported you and told you to just go on and do it. I even copy-pasted a link that I found on Multiply where aspiring models were being called for. I jokingly told you that I would want to watch you but it was really not a bon mot but actually, I really would want to see you walk the ramp and silently cheer for you even if I know that you would trip with your own foot with 45% probability. You are that clumsy! If you haven't noticed, I've always been supportive of you. I let you fool almost everyone in our block that this guy is your boyfriend because you said that it is somewhat diverting your attention away from Froggy and in the process forgetting her bit by bit even if I know that I would also be in trouble when they would find out that you are bluffing.


Honestly: Sometimes, I feel jealous over this guy whom you just found on Multiply through your random site hopping. He is a photographer and reviewer of aspiring nurses. Oh Lord, help me understand why I am getting jealous over a girl guy! I can't even understand how you can think of these make-believe stories that apparently sound true! You could have just chosen someone to act the whole think up with you who's close to you and more realistic in a sense. If you would only ask.

Scenario: You and Shrek.


What I said: You two, honestly look good together that I even started out a fan club for you, BEFORE. I even convinced alot to join and they became your instant fans (yeah, cheesy). But God really knew how I really liked the two of you to be together, BEFORE.
What I really felt: Everything changed not because of what I feel for you but because of what you feel for her. Sometimes you would just throw your rants against her that you get irritated by her always going home with you that sometimes you would make excuses just so you can go home alone by yourself. You also get annoyed by her bossiness at times. And these made me realize that you two are not meant to be and I have no right to push you to her. You have alot of differences and you can never ever fully jive. And I don't want you to be with someone you aren't happy with. Even if it's not with me, I hope you would find someone who can make you straight and find your true self, if that's not too much to ask for.

Scenario: My LSS's.
What I said: Their meanings don't have anything to do with how I feel, I just make petty connections between these songs to my life just so I can feel them more when I sing.

1. Next To You by Jordin Sparks
2. Collide by Howie Day
3. Goodbye to You by Michelle Branch
4. Thunder by Boys Like Girls
5. Paano Na Kaya by Bugoy
6. The Hardest Thing by 98 Degrees

And the list just goes on and on.

What I really felt: They're actually for you.

I sing these songs to you. If you would only read between the lines.

Labels: CFAD, friendship, missing, phone, school, Shrek, university, unrequited love

I don't believe in having an ideal man. You would just like someone unexpectedly. I admit, I think I have fallen in love already. This guy from highschool. He was one my closest guy friends. We laughed alot, joked around and eventually, he became my first love.



He was someone who girls went gaga over. Even my girl friends liked him alot. They even got someone jealous of the relationship we had. He always made me kulet and would always suprisingly poke my cheek with his point finger. But it ended there. I admit, I never knew him alot deeper. I didn't even know the names of his parents and what they did for a living. He wouldn't open up secrets to me, well he never did to any girl in class. I could remember where it all started. Since Grade 6, we were on the same list of classroom cleaners up until highschool. He was a great gentleman, he never let me throw the trash and he would always lend a helping hand for me and our other peeps. He was like, one of the first, if not the first, men who treated me as a lady since men usually did not take me seriously since I have always been the so-called, "one-of-the-boys". There was a connection between us but it was never enough.

He was almost made up of everything. I even thought, he was the one for me and no could ever be better or perfect than him. He was good in playing the guitar and playing basketball. He was good-looking to alot but for me, he was just not really my type. That was PHYSICALLY. He was kind to everyone. Though he was corny at times, I still found him to be funny and couldn't help but laugh whenever I was with him. If he'd be marrying someday, I was so sure, he could be a very good family man. But despite all of these, he fell in love with someone who was not extraordinary. She was very simple and timid. And that wasn't me.

She was someone who was not really pretty. Even one of his guy friends asked me before, "All of girls, why her? She's not attractive at all." But I knew very well why he liked her. That was why I was never bitter with their relationship. She was someone who could not even say a bad word against others. She was very pure and innocent. I'm not exaggerating, it's just the way I can describe her to the LEAST. But I have to admit, I was jealous to the point that I thought a song from Nina was really written for me. Every line of it made me cry and emo.


Quoting from and old blog that I've written 3 years ago:

"Kaya nga, I'm excited to go to college. I hope I would forget him. Seeing him everyday sucks. Kaya nga maghahanap ako ng matinong lalake, parang siya. I had a small talk with a classmate of mine, she said if she's going to have a boyfriend, sana the one that she surely loves. Ganun din naman ako. Para I won't get hurt badly kesa 1st BF mo tapos break agad."

Well I guess, you've understood it.

Yes maybe, I found someone who could replace him. But this didn't stop the heartache. It just has been replaced.

If you would want me to explain what is the meaning of the word 'complicated' then I would just might as well spell out his name for you. Not because his name sounds Russian, yes it sounds fowl, one of the lamest names ever, but it's because he acts, moves and talks very differently. His sexuality really puzzles me. He is a bisexual, he admitted but we, his friends, think that he can be a real man. He's just so devastated over this girl he met in, yes you guess it right, in highschool. His heart, he claims, was really battered by this girl he pseudonyms as FROGGY. That's why I told it in my profile that I hate frogs. What also puzzles me is the way he treats me. It is different, really, if you would just be with me every single day. Every night, he would our landline and talk over stuff that if would broadcasted live on TV, would just make Chairman La Guardia go crazy. But we are not being limerent or anything, it's just that, we could just talk about matters and lay it down on the coffee table to talk over. Because of him, I learned alot about guys and other things. It's like, we share things ad educated one another. We're far different from each other but we have a full and stable connection.

But I cannot say that I have fallen in love for him. Crazy as you may think, but I am really poisoning these feelings to death as early as now. No not as early as because I have been feeling THIS for like months already. I haven't told this to anyone because I, think, can still handle this on my own. And good thing, I am not being linked to him or being teased upon by others. In fact, funny at it may seem, I'm being teased to this guy friend of ours. Like seriously but I don't think I will like him. We don't have the same kind of interaction with this bisexual guy. And the good thing is, this bi guy is making a false story out of this guy he saw on the internet so people from our network won't tease us or anything of that sort. He was like telling everyone that this guy is his boyfriend. How schizophrenic he is, isn't he? But he told me since day one that he has planted this mad scenario but I just let him be since this is making him somewhat forget that girl from his highschool DAW. But I asked him, if ever he would really fall for a guy, just at least give his Mom a grandchild. Although he has a brother, HAHA, funny, he's gay. Same story as his, devastated from his first love. You might think, it really runs in the blood. But I hope the blood clot would begin in him. I think I just have to beat him up.

Two extremely unlike guys but liked by a single girl. That's why I don't really believe in man of my dreams, ideal man, what am I looking for in a guy, etc. kinds of sh*t. I don't even know and I can't even explain why I've come to like these two insanely different guys. I just couldn't put my fingers on the reasons.

I remember an SMS quote that I received, "FIRST LOVE never dies. But TRUE LOVES buries it alive."

I'm getting there. =)

Labels: bipolar, college, first love, friendship, highschool, true love, unrequited love