I can't believe that I can't really help but to write this down. 'Tis heap of suppressed feelings and thoughts that kept bothering me to think that I've got alot of movies to dwell my apprehensions on. I couldn't find a means to get this one online for I am here in my Mom's house where internet connection is nothing but dead and my brother's laptop's not with him. Ideation of you keeps on bugging me and telling me that I miss you to think that I've just seen you yesterday, we were together in school. I really feel like getting to a phone right now and talking to you. I want to hear your voice. I want to let out my thoughts. I wanna feel you.

Scenario: You were having chest pains to the point that they were already bothering you. When we were talking over the phone, there came an instance that you paused for a sec and told me that the pains were bustling you again. You told me that you were okay and told it to your Mom already.
What I said: You might want to tell what was happening to you to your Dad who's apparently a physician but you hesitated since you've been having this cold war with him for years now. I stopped asking you how you felt and just went on with our conversation.
What I really felt: I was not satisfied with the idea that your mom already knew so I searched the net even if we all know how busy we were in school. I checked the symptoms that you told me that's was why I was able to suggest that it might be a heartburn and told you to if the pains would still persist, you might want to go to a doctor at once. It didn't end there. God knew how I prayed for you so hard every night.

Scenario: You were sick that day that you even hugged me so you would be kept warm but I was moving around and you told me top stop because you were feeling dizzy. You were absent the next day which was a finals day. You were that frail. Over the phone, I told you not to attend the next-day classes anymore because I knew that you were just going to flunk the tests.
What I said: I used my hand to touch you and feel your fever. I said that I could go with you to the health service but you resisted. I even informed everyone that you were sick.
What I really felt: Afraid that people might tease us, I moved around as if you were just on me hanging lifelessly but I stopped when you said you felt dizzy. I never knew if you felt it but I hugged back and felt you. I told you not to go to school anymore not because I thought that you were stupid (eventhough I always associate you with stupid and idiot things, they are all nothing but a joke), in fact, I always think that you are smart with your insights on things and all and you being a good conversant.

It was just that, I knew how hard it was to take a test infested with a flu, it was impossible for you to concentrate on the test and it was too risky to do so. I even prayed to God that you would consider my suggestion, I even didn't pray for myself that night because I knew you needed the prayer more. I was so thankful, God heeded my plead.

Scenario: You said that you were low-life.
What I said: I agreed.
What I really felt: I disagreed with what you said. Others think that way that you're nothing but a wallflower but if they would only get to know you better, they would be able to find an underlying strength and benevolence in you that only some know about. Your complexity makes you different and unique that despite all of these, you're always carefree and never afraid to show your real self.

Scenario: You want to be a model and you're even planning to attend a go-see for the CFAD fashion show on February.
What I said: Are you serious?! LOL.
What I really felt: Though I never thought that you got ALL what it takes to be a model, I still supported you and told you to just go on and do it. I even copy-pasted a link that I found on Multiply where aspiring models were being called for. I jokingly told you that I would want to watch you but it was really not a bon mot but actually, I really would want to see you walk the ramp and silently cheer for you even if I know that you would trip with your own foot with 45% probability. You are that clumsy! If you haven't noticed, I've always been supportive of you. I let you fool almost everyone in our block that this guy is your boyfriend because you said that it is somewhat diverting your attention away from Froggy and in the process forgetting her bit by bit even if I know that I would also be in trouble when they would find out that you are bluffing.


Honestly: Sometimes, I feel jealous over this guy whom you just found on Multiply through your random site hopping. He is a photographer and reviewer of aspiring nurses. Oh Lord, help me understand why I am getting jealous over a girl guy! I can't even understand how you can think of these make-believe stories that apparently sound true! You could have just chosen someone to act the whole think up with you who's close to you and more realistic in a sense. If you would only ask.

Scenario: You and Shrek.


What I said: You two, honestly look good together that I even started out a fan club for you, BEFORE. I even convinced alot to join and they became your instant fans (yeah, cheesy). But God really knew how I really liked the two of you to be together, BEFORE.
What I really felt: Everything changed not because of what I feel for you but because of what you feel for her. Sometimes you would just throw your rants against her that you get irritated by her always going home with you that sometimes you would make excuses just so you can go home alone by yourself. You also get annoyed by her bossiness at times. And these made me realize that you two are not meant to be and I have no right to push you to her. You have alot of differences and you can never ever fully jive. And I don't want you to be with someone you aren't happy with. Even if it's not with me, I hope you would find someone who can make you straight and find your true self, if that's not too much to ask for.

Scenario: My LSS's.
What I said: Their meanings don't have anything to do with how I feel, I just make petty connections between these songs to my life just so I can feel them more when I sing.

1. Next To You by Jordin Sparks
2. Collide by Howie Day
3. Goodbye to You by Michelle Branch
4. Thunder by Boys Like Girls
5. Paano Na Kaya by Bugoy
6. The Hardest Thing by 98 Degrees

And the list just goes on and on.

What I really felt: They're actually for you.

I sing these songs to you. If you would only read between the lines.

Labels: CFAD, friendship, missing, phone, school, Shrek, university, unrequited love

I thought I would not be able to post an entry tonight but then, good thing, our professor moved the deadline on Friday instead of tomorrow because, really, the assignment that she asked us to do was really beyond human capacity! Talking about a 77-page handout and you have to extract a timeline of the early history of home and family life of children with the key concepts taken not of, there's no way that I will be able to finish it! Anyway, enough of my rants about this.

I really had a lucky day, it was as if the whole universe conspired with me and all my prayers were answered. My professor postponed our long test for he brought the wrong set of test papers. Very luck y of us indeed! Although, I studied last night but I think, I didn't ready myself enough to get a passing grade, short of saying that most probably I would fail the test. My professor in Sociology, on the other hand, who is really known for her monstrous character was very kind and lenient when she entered the classroom. This is so far from her character. I remembered one time, when a quiz just ended, my friend told me that she was so going to flunk in the test, same sentiment with me, but it was understandable since the crazy prof did not teach what to we tested on anyway. Then she saw as and said, "At my command, please for 5 minutes, go outside." We were really startled! It was a total injustice since the whole class was very noisy and we were the only ones she saw. Maybe because, my friend is the class president. My friend was kind of hesitant to go outside but I just pulled her out because our professor was very strong with her decision. When we went outside, we just laughed the whole thing along since we knew how crazy that professor was. Then after like, 4 minutes, my classmate asked us to go inside since our prof told her to do so. I shouted, "Wala pa kayang 5 minutes!". I really intended to do that since I was really pissed by what she did, she was the first ever teacher who did that to me! My classmates said that they heard what I said and they just held their laughter afraid to be character assassinated by the prof.

But today, she was different. She was putting our program, special education on the highest pedestal above the accountants, businessmen and even nutritionists!!! And she never gave us that sharp look of hers. But I kind of predicted that she was going to be in a good mood since before our class, she and the other faculty members, greeted our college rector who was celebrating his birthday.

But the best part of this day would be our Dev Read class. How I really adore our male teacher!!! Since day 1, I have developed a crush and the first one to ever know that is HIM. He speaks articulately and his humor amazes me. He asked me to recite Sonnet 118 but 116 was the only one that I knew of, so he recited it to me, us I mean =P, I froze at that moment and my friend was laughing at me asking me what I felt. I tried to look for his blogs, Multiply, MySpace, Friendster or whatevs (famous expression of his) but GAD!!! Not a single one I was able to find maybe he's using another name!!! But because of my stalking skills, I was able to find out his middle name and the year he graduated. My friend who also has the hots for him was really impressed. =P

Today in class, I was active but not as active as I am in other class since I'm shy to commit a mistake in front of him and when I speak, I tremble to the tee. When he asked for a volunteer to act out as a Grade 1 pupil, HIM was really encouraging me to raise my hand (I was like, errrrr... Aren't you jealous?! ASA! Haha) but I didn't because I was not in the mood to act as Bonjing. He had a new haircut, by the way, the one I thought which would look good on him. He looked like a lesbian with his previous hair, I told him that I think, Sir Dev Read would look better with a shorter hair. Everyone was really awed by his new appearance, I could even see our Korean classmates drooling over him. I remembered our first day with him, the Korean girls were late and when they went into the classroom, one of them screamed something which all puzzled us since we didn't understand for it was in Korean. Then my Korean friend told us that what she said actually directly translates as, "Handsome"!!! We were laughing when we knew that, that girl was hilarious!


Back to today, one of our classmates was late and when she greeted Sir, at first, she didn't notice the new look but when she fully saw him, she stuttered and was just staring at him! Now, I have alot to compete with! DARN IT!!!

He's face is also familiar to me then I remembered a drawing I made when I was like 8 years old. I was so blinded by the idea and curiosity of having a boyfriend so I drew myself an ideal man (stupid I know) which included his family on the portrait. I'm not being crazy and lying, but he actually looked like Sir Dev Read! Ahem! Now, there is no way I will be linked to HIM since we are both 'tied' to another. Sir Dev Read can mask my hidden agenda!!! If you know what I mean.

Closing Remark. Just want to congratulate the staff of our university paper for coming up with a glossy, colored and substantively good school paper!!! It was a total makeover indeed and even the comics, which I didn't really mind at all before, gave me some smiles and laughs although some parts were still corny and lame to me. Jia you, guys! ^_^

Labels: assignment, education, koreans, school, special education, university

"hi ella! pasukan nnaman hehe,,
miss nkta prang keln lng..hehe!
bsta thank u tlg sa lahat.. seryoso yan..
ur someone n kht anu lng lumabas sa bibig ko e pnpkinggan m and madalas p puro alang kwenta!
ahaha,,bsta pg nkhanp k ng mnlligaw pkilala m muna ha! haha ,, dpat weirdo rn pra kasundo m,,jke! haaayy hehe i just thnk God for letting me know a good friend lyk u,, kht my mga away dati d k tlg kya magalit sau..hehe! kng lalaki nga lng aq niligawan n kta! haha ingat k n sakin my potential wat d jke!haha ingats plgi! loveyah..=)

-bestie- =)
hehe,,"


I just really love my bestfriend with what she said, "bsta pg nkhanp k ng mnlligaw pkilala m muna ha! haha ,, dpat weirdo rn pra kasundo m,". I know she was referring to HIM because when we were having a photosharing of our major PROSPECTS, I was telling stories about him and she was like, "Parehas kayong WIRDO!". And she really knew how to tickle my fancy. While scanning through our pictures with our crazy poses she told me, "Bagay kayo." And I was like thinking she might be hitting me a joke, "Di, totoo talaga," she added. But still, I thought she just wanted me to feel better.

My bestfriend is the one who knows almost everything about what I feel for HIM. She is the only one who can ever listen to me so intently and vise-versa. Why won't tell it to my friends in college? Practically because, HE and I have the same circle of friends, once I open this up to someone, for sure, eventually just like in a chain reaction, everything would be spoiled like crazy. But, of course, my bestfriend will fully understand what I really feel for HIM for I'm the type of person who cannot really put into words the intense feelings that I have for someone and I am generally not a mushy and cheesy person. This kind of conversation is not really my cup of tea that's why I am all babbling this up in this blog.

So what happened today?

As always, we were so noisy in class. HE, our other guy friend and I were making fun of our lady professor and the owner of our favorite fast food chain at the car park. The chain sells one of the best and cheapest sharksfin dumplings ever made. So when we thought of the two of them having an affair and doing the usual hanky-panky stuff, they would dripping each other with chili oil (because we thought that the chain's chili oil became hotter than usual that when I ate my dumplings, my mouth had blisters.), fetish mode. Yes, I know how disgusting and we were mimicking our professor's antics like crazy. HE and I were making kulit again and I ended up having pentel and ballpen inks and white liquid eraser on my right arm. I also got addicted with the smell of our friend's liquid eraser, smelled like car freshener so I outta buy one when I go to the mall.

Surprisingly, Lucky by Jason Mraz and Colbie Calliat is being played by iTunes at this very moment.

Just let me give a rundown of my randomness.

Ateneo has really surpassed UP on the 500-best-universities-in-the-world list. My brother and I were really arguing about this since he would kill to death just to say his school's still on top. What now, lil bro?!

Long test tomorrow on a major subject and I do not have any idea where to start studying. I'm hoping in my deepest to at least have a passing mark!!! I wanna graduate in 2010!

If ever HE would discover this blog, I should be preparing myself now. I'll better a letter to be posted here but I'd rather do it with Photoshop, dunno why.

Labels: bestfriends, friendship, funny, love, weird

I don't believe in having an ideal man. You would just like someone unexpectedly. I admit, I think I have fallen in love already. This guy from highschool. He was one my closest guy friends. We laughed alot, joked around and eventually, he became my first love.



He was someone who girls went gaga over. Even my girl friends liked him alot. They even got someone jealous of the relationship we had. He always made me kulet and would always suprisingly poke my cheek with his point finger. But it ended there. I admit, I never knew him alot deeper. I didn't even know the names of his parents and what they did for a living. He wouldn't open up secrets to me, well he never did to any girl in class. I could remember where it all started. Since Grade 6, we were on the same list of classroom cleaners up until highschool. He was a great gentleman, he never let me throw the trash and he would always lend a helping hand for me and our other peeps. He was like, one of the first, if not the first, men who treated me as a lady since men usually did not take me seriously since I have always been the so-called, "one-of-the-boys". There was a connection between us but it was never enough.

He was almost made up of everything. I even thought, he was the one for me and no could ever be better or perfect than him. He was good in playing the guitar and playing basketball. He was good-looking to alot but for me, he was just not really my type. That was PHYSICALLY. He was kind to everyone. Though he was corny at times, I still found him to be funny and couldn't help but laugh whenever I was with him. If he'd be marrying someday, I was so sure, he could be a very good family man. But despite all of these, he fell in love with someone who was not extraordinary. She was very simple and timid. And that wasn't me.

She was someone who was not really pretty. Even one of his guy friends asked me before, "All of girls, why her? She's not attractive at all." But I knew very well why he liked her. That was why I was never bitter with their relationship. She was someone who could not even say a bad word against others. She was very pure and innocent. I'm not exaggerating, it's just the way I can describe her to the LEAST. But I have to admit, I was jealous to the point that I thought a song from Nina was really written for me. Every line of it made me cry and emo.


Quoting from and old blog that I've written 3 years ago:

"Kaya nga, I'm excited to go to college. I hope I would forget him. Seeing him everyday sucks. Kaya nga maghahanap ako ng matinong lalake, parang siya. I had a small talk with a classmate of mine, she said if she's going to have a boyfriend, sana the one that she surely loves. Ganun din naman ako. Para I won't get hurt badly kesa 1st BF mo tapos break agad."

Well I guess, you've understood it.

Yes maybe, I found someone who could replace him. But this didn't stop the heartache. It just has been replaced.

If you would want me to explain what is the meaning of the word 'complicated' then I would just might as well spell out his name for you. Not because his name sounds Russian, yes it sounds fowl, one of the lamest names ever, but it's because he acts, moves and talks very differently. His sexuality really puzzles me. He is a bisexual, he admitted but we, his friends, think that he can be a real man. He's just so devastated over this girl he met in, yes you guess it right, in highschool. His heart, he claims, was really battered by this girl he pseudonyms as FROGGY. That's why I told it in my profile that I hate frogs. What also puzzles me is the way he treats me. It is different, really, if you would just be with me every single day. Every night, he would our landline and talk over stuff that if would broadcasted live on TV, would just make Chairman La Guardia go crazy. But we are not being limerent or anything, it's just that, we could just talk about matters and lay it down on the coffee table to talk over. Because of him, I learned alot about guys and other things. It's like, we share things ad educated one another. We're far different from each other but we have a full and stable connection.

But I cannot say that I have fallen in love for him. Crazy as you may think, but I am really poisoning these feelings to death as early as now. No not as early as because I have been feeling THIS for like months already. I haven't told this to anyone because I, think, can still handle this on my own. And good thing, I am not being linked to him or being teased upon by others. In fact, funny at it may seem, I'm being teased to this guy friend of ours. Like seriously but I don't think I will like him. We don't have the same kind of interaction with this bisexual guy. And the good thing is, this bi guy is making a false story out of this guy he saw on the internet so people from our network won't tease us or anything of that sort. He was like telling everyone that this guy is his boyfriend. How schizophrenic he is, isn't he? But he told me since day one that he has planted this mad scenario but I just let him be since this is making him somewhat forget that girl from his highschool DAW. But I asked him, if ever he would really fall for a guy, just at least give his Mom a grandchild. Although he has a brother, HAHA, funny, he's gay. Same story as his, devastated from his first love. You might think, it really runs in the blood. But I hope the blood clot would begin in him. I think I just have to beat him up.

Two extremely unlike guys but liked by a single girl. That's why I don't really believe in man of my dreams, ideal man, what am I looking for in a guy, etc. kinds of sh*t. I don't even know and I can't even explain why I've come to like these two insanely different guys. I just couldn't put my fingers on the reasons.

I remember an SMS quote that I received, "FIRST LOVE never dies. But TRUE LOVES buries it alive."

I'm getting there. =)

Labels: bipolar, college, first love, friendship, highschool, true love, unrequited love

At 1:23am, Philippine time, another anonymous blog of mine was created. I tried to access my old one but too bad, it had died already. I hope I could keep this one for years. So why did I make another blog?

Not because I've got nothing to do. In fact, I have alot to do since my professor in a major subject piled up a work for us to do after he got mad (I think. Oh well, based on how he banged the door of our classroom when I last saw him). But what am I doing now? Blogging. So back to the initial question: WHY DID I BOTHER TO REGISTER TO BLOGSPOT AGAIN? Hmmm... I think i just need some dot on the cyberspace where I can express my rants but I think my posts of madness are going to be limited since I am initially no an angry person. My Multiply won't do since I'm too lazy to run through my 200-plus contacts just to select those who I choose to see my each of my blogs.

Primarily maybe, I'm so tired of the inner speeches that I have been doing. My thoughts are very much enclosed in a nutshell and they are just wasted. Why not let 'em out right? I checked out my old blogs on Blogdrive and Gad, I thought, my writings are not bad after all. I also need this to practice my English proficiency. LOL.

So there I go. Wish me luck on this one. Ah. One more thing. Maybe the top-most reason why I started this stuff is because of this guy. I'll talk about him some other time. My head is starting to hurt.

Labels: blogger, English, headache, mad professor, new, Philippines